Past Entries: 2012-2014

Here are some entries from my previous blog that some have not read before. This will kind of catch people up to some more of the details of what happened to my mom. It's also interesting to reread it to myself, seeing how far I've come and how much I've grown over the last 6 years.

Entry 1: 1/31/12

Hello Mommy,

This is my first entry so here it goes. First off, I just want to say how much I miss you. It's only been a month so of course, it hasn't gotten much easier. I still have dreams daily that you've come back to us somehow and still have conversations with me as if nothing happened. Waking up is the hardest because I don't want to face reality; you're actually not with us anymore. Your service isn't until March 3rd, which is kind of late, in my opinion. Not that I want to forget about you, I just want to forget about what happened and try to move forward. Waiting another month is only going to force me to think and stress about what I'm going to say about you, what I'm going to say to others when I see them and how well I'm going to try to hold my emotions back in order to keep from depressing other guests. I just want to get it over with and I know other loved ones do, too. 

It's hard going from seeing you and talking to you everyday to nothing at all. Sure I can talk to you in my head and in my dreams but obviously that is far from what it used to be. Nothing can replace the times I spent with you. I would rather have you here and be in an argument with you than not at all. I would rather have you here, asleep in bed, than not at all. I'd rather have you here and everything else horrible that this world brings, than not at all. I wish I could've taken the pain and depression away from you. You didn't deserve any of it and I still question God as to why He put you through the life you lived. I will never understand it. 

Since this is my first entry, I'll keep it short. I don't really know what to expect yet so we'll see how this goes. All I can say is that I hope I can help a lot of other people who have lost not only their mothers, but loved ones in general. And if anyone has any questions at all, don't be afraid to ask.

I love you, Mommy. 

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin 

Entry 2: 2/2/12

Hello Mommy, Man, do I wish you were here. I'm going to the doctor for the third time this week in a couple hours because I'm still sick and I swear the test for strep had to be wrong. Hopefully they can give me some kind of antibiotics to stop the pain. If you were here, you'd be able to give me advice on what to take for this. You always knew more than the doctors ever did. Mojo has been whining a lot lately. I think she's having issues with someone not being home with her all the time. I know I'm having issues with it. I'm glad you're in Heaven with the Lord though. I know you're no longer in pain and that makes me happy. Say hi to Grandpa Jay and Papa for me. I'm sure you're having a blast with them. I'm jealous that you get to be with our Father in Heaven. How wonderful is it up there? I'm sure it's way better than anyone could ever dream of. 

I've been trying to cook a lot. Key word "trying". I think it's slightly ironic because you always wanted to teach me to cook and now that you're gone, I'm trying to teach myself. I think I'm doing alright. Keeping Roland and I full I guess. Better than eating just steak and fast food every night. In a way, you're still the reason I'm cooking. I've been trying to not only keep myself busy but to make you proud. That's all I want to do now. I want you to be proud of me. I know I mess up a lot but I'm human and I know you still love me, no matter what. Honestly, before your passing, I was planning on dropping out of school, finding a full tome job, and moving out. Now since I just want to make you happy, I want to finish school and become a psychologist, like I've always wanted. I want to be able to help kids who have gone through rough times, like me. I hope God gives me the knowledge to give good advice to others. Well, I need to get ready for my appointment but I will write again tomorrow. I love you and miss you a ton! 

Forever and Always, 

Your Munchkin

Entry 3: 3/26/12

Hello Mommy,

Sorry it's been a while since I've written in this. Things have been a little hectic; but I'm sure you know that. I haven't really had time to sit and collect my thoughts recently. I know it goes against my beliefs, but I've been watching "Long Island Medium" lately and I really want to meet her. I feel like if she is real, then I want to have so many questions answered. How did you feel when you were in the hospital? What do you want to say to Stephanie and I? What do you think I should do with my life? I don't think an hour would be enough time with her but it's worth it. Too bad I don't live in New Jersey.

So what do you think of my new job? I love it but ever since I had that nightmare about getting let go from yet another job, I'm so scared that I'm somehow going to blow it. SeaWorld is where I want to be for the rest of my life so I can't stand to lose this job. I really want to just get my alcohol training out of the way though so I can start working where I'm supposed to be. Although I love the people I work with right now, I really want to be back on the espresso machine. I hope you're proud that I finally got a job there, even though it's just in the culinary operations. I'm going to try so hard to work my way up. This job is so important to me. 

Sorry I didn't make a speech for your service. Everyone told me I did a good job but I still feel bad about it. I just didn't want to think about it really. I hope you liked the service. I know it wasn't really your kind of thing but we tried. Penny Lane was definitely a good idea, in my eyes. I think everyone had a lot of fun there and I'm so glad Stephanie and I were able to sing "Bad Day" just like you wanted, along with other awesome songs. It was so nice to see the whole family. No matter how crazy and messed up our family is, I wouldn't trade any of them for anyone in the whole world.

I've also been watching "16 & Pregnant" and it's so unfortunate to see how horrible a lot of the relationships these girls have with their mothers are. I just want to talk to all of them and tell them how important it is to have a strong relationship with their parents because you never know when they'll be gone. That's part of why I want everyone to know that I lost my mom because I want to change the way they act towards their parents, if it's bad that is. I want to get the word out somehow to everyone because when I see someone with a poor relationship with their parents, it makes me sad. They could regret it forever if they don't change. There's so much I want to accomplish when it comes to this issue. I want to make a documentary or write a book. Anything to help people solve the problems they have with not only their parents, really, but all family, as well as friends. I guess this blog is the most I can do for now.

Well, those are my thoughts for the last couple of weeks. I miss you so much and I wish you were here to talk to.

I love you, Mommy!

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin

Entry 4: 4/29/12

Hello Mommy,

Well, after writing five very long paragraphs for this entry, my computer decided to shut down. Awesome, right? No. All of it, gone. All of my venting, gone. Needless to say, I can't write anymore tonight. I will finish this blog in a day or so when I'm not falling asleep at my laptop. I love you and I'm sure you understand...

Everyone, please feel free to read my previous entries if you haven't already. I will finish this one soon. Thank you.

FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Mommy,

"I miss you something terrible; this heartache's unbearable..." Little Hurricane couldn't have written those lyrics any more perfectly. It describes exactly how I feel every single day of my life now that you're gone. As you know, we had to put our precious Mojo down last Monday. Only two days after the four month mark of your departure from this Earth. I lost two of my best friends in four months. It sucks and it feels like it's too much to handle right now. It's so unfair. I usually don't approve of throwing myself a pity party but gosh dammit, I deserve one right now. I'm happy that Mojo was welcomed with open arms in Heaven from God and is now able to play with you, Whitney and other loved ones we've lost. I'm sure you could see from Heaven how difficult it was having to put her down. I wish I could've taken her pain so she could have lived longer. I know God has a reason for everything but I just don't understand this one. I know He wanted you to come home and stop all of your pain and I guess I can say the same for Mojo but my question mainly I guess is why did He make it so that our pets only live 10-20 years? That's not fair. We love them and they become a part of us; they make us who we are. I believe they should have a life span of at least 40 years. In the words of A.A. Milne "If you live to bee 100 years old, I'd want to live one less day so that I never have to live a single day without you". That couldn't be any more true for you, as well as Mojo. What makes it even worse is the fact that I had to wait for medication to stop your heart, then stop Mojo. I had to relive the most horrific moment of my life all over again. The only thing I'm thankful for is the fact that I only had to wait one minute for Mojo to pass whereas I had to wait an hour for you to pass. The first fifty-five minutes of that hour seemed to go by so slowly but those last five minutes went by way too fast. All of the sudden, your heart rate started to descend faster and faster until the next thing you know, you're watching the screen show a flat-line instead of steady rhythmic inclines of the line. But in all honesty, whether it takes one minute or one hour, it's just as hard. With a one minute wait, you feel as though there's not enough time to say goodbye. With a one hour wait, you feel like there's so much anticipation. Either way, it sucks. I keep picturing you in the hospital bed and Mojo lying on the floor, your souls no longer trapped in your bodies. I hate having such a strong photographic memory. It only happens when associated with bad things. 

I was stuck driving behind an ambulance on the freeway last week that wasn't in any rush, so he was going the normal speed limit. Stupid driver left the light in the back on, even though there was no one occupying the back room. Here comes my vivid imagination. All I  could picture was the scene in the ambulance that took place while you were in there. Were you still conscious when they carried you to the ambulance? Or were you already slipping into a coma? How panicked did the paramedics feel, trying to get the drugs out of your system or whatever they were trying to do to make you better? Now I know I can no longer ever get stuck behind an ambulance because that scene will continue to play like a horror film in my head. 

I've noticed that pretty much every love song or break up song relates to my relationship with you. So basically, every song reminds me of you in one way or another. I love hearing "your songs" on the radio. Cake, Pearl Jam, The Stones, Depeche Mode, etc. It makes me happy because I feel as though you're with me when I hear them. I mean, I'm sure you're always with me, but it's just a little more reassuring. 

Why can't you and Mojo just come home? Let's go back to happier times when you were here. I can't handle this, Mom. Why aren't you here? You're supposed to be here for me to talk to, vent to, cry to... where are you? You're supposed to be here when I get married and have children. I know this is all selfish thinking on my part because you deserve to no longer be in pain and I know you had every right to do what you did. I'm glad you have a new, pain-free body but where does this leave me. I'm so lost without you, Mom. I know God has everything under control and I never mean to question Him because I know He has a reason for all of this suffering I'm going through. But I can't wait to find out what those reasons are. I wish that phone call wouldn't have been the last time I talked to you.

I'll try to write again soon because there are more things I'd like to say but after this computer crashing mess, I am exhausted! I love you, Mommy!

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin

Entry 5: 7/14/12

Hello Mommy,

I know it's been a long time, like always. I apologize, but I know you understand. Life has been insane, as I'm sure you've noticed. Life has been extremely difficult lately and I hate that you're not here to help me. Of course I'm not angry; I could never be angry with you. It would just be so much easier if you were here with me. This DUI thing has been the second most difficult time I've ever experienced. Yes, to those who may be reading, I got a DUI back in May. Obviously I'm not proud of it but it's made me really reevaluate my life. I've been trying to look at it in a positive way but that's been nearly impossible. I'm glad I have such a big support system with all of my friends and family but you're the main person I need more than anyone else right now. It truly is all about timing in life and I just have the worst luck with that. This bad luck streak has got to end soon, right? Eh, highly doubtful. They always say things get worse before they get better. Well, Mom, things have been getting worse and worse and honestly, the only positive thing that's happened to me in the last seven months is getting my job at SeaWorld. I don't know what I would do without this job. It means so much to me and I'm so glad that I don't have to quit. I just wish others would be just as happy for me. I know that you're happy for me, but I need you here physically to talk to about all of this. It would give me so much relief to be able to converse with you. I hate that I can talk to you but you can't talk back. What kind of crap is that?! I'm sure you feel the same way on the other side. Although, you can probably actually hear my thoughts, whereas I can't hear yours. Not fair. I promise I'm not trying to be all mopey and everything but let's be real here; I deserve to be a little depressed right now. Yes, I am trying to stay on the positive side, I really am, but everyone has their days. I just happen to have more of them than the average person. Just keeping score right now, in chronological order, all the bad (and some good) things that have happened in the last year or so: lost cafe job, LOST YOU, lost car, lost bar job, lost nanny job, got job at SeaWorld (yay!), lost Mojo, and then got hit with a DUI. I'm sure that won't be the last of it either. Just preparing for the worst so that when good things do happen, they seem amazing. Good way to look at it, right? Well, this is turning into an interesting blog. Again, I promise I'm not trying to be negative, just being realistic. I just miss you and know that life would be so much easier if you were here. Even if I had to go through it all for a second time, I would in a heartbeat to have you back. Your presence would make it all better. I know you wouldn't be able to change my fate or the outcome of anything but you would be here to comfort me; that's all I need. Just you. But I know that you're not coming back and that's what tears me apart inside. Ugh, I really didn't want to cry again but, it happens every time I write a new blog. I should just expect tears if I want to write a new entry. I'm laying in bed next to my "Mommy Teddy Bear" made from your flannel. It's the most comforting thing in my life right now. She goes everywhere with me. Cuddling with her at night is the best. I just wish she were you. COME BACK!! I know I'm not alone in this, with God and my friends and family, but I need YOU to complete my support system. Sorry again to those of you who may be reading this; I just need to get this out somehow. So please be patient. I'm sure I'll have a regular blog post... eventually. But for now, this is all I can produce. Thanks for reading and thanks for listening, Mom. I love you and miss you so much more everyday. Please visit me in my dreams again soon. And in a good way this time. That's another thing I haven't mentioned yet. Since my last blog, I had a dream with your beautiful face in it. You knocked on my door while I was sleeping and when you opened the door, you asked if I had let Carson (our dog) out to use the bathroom that day. I said yes and you started to close the door. But before you could shut it, I yelled out "Mom, wait! Where are you going? You've been gone for so long, where have you been"? In an instant you were lying next to me in my bed, holding me. It felt so real, Mom. As if you were really there. I could literally feel the warmth of your body and the pressure of your arms wrapped around me, squeezing and hugging me. I asked you "What happened" (as in why did you do this)? And you just smiled at me and said "Ask Roland; he knows". But before I could say another word, you disappeared in less than a second. When I woke up and realized you weren't really in my bed, that I was just squeezing and embracing my teddy, I lost it. Although it was absolutely wonderful to feel you next to me, it was so painful waking up without you next to me. "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe" -John Mayer. Those lyrics could not be any more perfect for that moment. Reality slapped me in the face that morning. Yes, I'm happy that you came to visit me, but it also hurt me. But I still want more of those visits and those amazing hugs from you, no matter how painful it is to wake up. Please, please hug me again, Mommy. Tonight and every night, preferably. I should go to bed now but please say hello tonight. 

I love you, Mommy!!

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin

Entry 6: 11/3/12

Hello Mommy,

I'm sorry again for not writing in a long time. Things have been really crazy. As you know, I moved in with my Dad in Riverside and let's just say it's been quite an adjustment. I love being here with my family and being surrounded by people who love and support me but at the same time, I've never felt more alone in my life. I have no friends of my own out here and although there are a total of 10 people living in this house, they're always gone or with their "significant other". Everyone is so busy with working and other things that I feel like I'm by myself 90% of the day. It's getting harder each day to cope with how drastic of a change this has been. Going from a city where I have tons of friends and a job that I loved more than any other job I've ever had to being unemployed and friendless is not fun. Doesn't help that I don't have a car, let alone a license, so I can't escape when I want to. And living with a 4 year old and an 87 year old in the same house has made it so much harder than anyone could ever possibly understand. People say they're trying to understand what I'm going through but let's be honest, NO ONE will EVER understand what I'm having to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have what I have. I have a roof over my head, food, and most importantly, a family that loves me. But it's hard not to get depressed when that support is never around. I really do feel that sometimes people say they're going to "try" to understand what's happening in my life but they never actually do. I know they don't intend to ignore it but it happens. I don't blame them but it's hard when I try to explain how hard this is and the next day, it feels like they've completely forgotten the conversation I had with them. I'm not mad, it's just frustrating and it's really hard to stay positive. I'm not trying to get sympathy, just pure understanding and not to get into trouble for things that I can't control. I'm sorry, but I can't control my feelings. I can try to bite my tongue but let's face it, I'm a Bates. That doesn't come easily to us. But how I feel is nothing I can will away. I'm sorry that people don't like that but, too bad. That's life. I'm hoping that I get this job at the church so I can make friends on my own who are fellow Christians and can be there for me and be a positive influence on me. 

Also, I know it may sound cliche or dumb or whatever, but I really want to meet a Godly man that can handle a crazy relationship with me but at the same time, will be the spiritual leader of the relationship. I feel like that's too much to ask for these days. I swear it's impossible. Mom, if you know who I'm supposed to be with, pray to God and ask Him so send him my way soon :) I don't know if you still pray in Heaven or if you can just go up to God and ask Him these things. Either way, please ask Him. 

I'm praying that I will get through all of these hardships and come out with a smile on my face and say that I've changed for the better. Right now it feels like that will never happen but I know I just need to remember that God is in control and whatever He wants for me will happen. But on His time. I think that's the hardest thing to accept. I know I'll be okay and these trials will come to an end but the fact that it's on His time and not mine is so difficult. I don't understand why it's been about a year and things just keep hitting me like a ton of bricks in the face, over and over again. Sorry for complaining but I feel like this is the only way I can truly vent since I'm sure people don't actually read this thing. Just nice to get this out of my system.

It's hard because I know that if you were still here with me, you would be able to comfort me better than anyone else could. You were my rock that I knew I could always count on to help me out and without you, my world feels like there's nothing here for me to live for anymore. I pray God shows me what kind of future He has in store for me because it's getting harder each day not to just give up on everything. No one will ever understand what I'm going through and I know I can't expect anyone to but it's so hard. I miss you so much and it feels like some people are thinking "Geez, it's almost been a year. How are you still so upset?". I know no one would admit to thinking that but I'm pretty sure there are quite a few people feeling that way about me but they just don't want to sound rude and look like a bad person. To those people, EFF YOU!! Piss off and get out of my life if you feel that way. I'm going to be this upset for a very very long time and if anyone out there can't handle that, then just stop talking to me. You're not worth my time. 

Yeah... it sounds like I'm in the "angry stage of mourning" or whatever but I am fully entitled to that, thank you very much.

I love you, Mommy and keep praying that someday, I'll wake up and this will all have been just a terrible nightmare. Wouldn't that be wonderful? To wake up in San Diego again and poof! There you are... if only things like that actually happened. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see your beautiful face and inviting arms again. Til that day...

I love you, Mommy!!

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin

Entry 7: 7/2/14

Hello Mommy,

I am so sorry that I haven't written in over a year and a half. So much has changed, I don't even know where to start. Well, in my last post, I was praying for a job at Harvest and I got it shortly after writing that entry. Things were going great for a little while but it's not so good anymore. That job has caused me to stress out so much, especially recently. I don't feel welcome there anymore at all. I know God has a reason for me to be there and there are some reasons I know about but as for the other reasons, I am completely blind to what they may be. Since working there, I have grown tremendously in my walk with The Lord, it's impossible to explain. I went from having no friends out here to having a ton of friends that I can call my brothers and sisters in Christ and I love them all so much. They encourage me everyday and I thank God for them. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for them. My close relationship with Christ gets stronger each and every day and I feel like I have become a better Christian and better person in general. It never ceases to amaze me. So for those reasons, I thank God for my job. I've been going to The Well every Friday night and attend multiple Bible studies throughout the week. My fellow brothers and sisters in Christ continue to encourage me and make me want to grow in my relationship with our Father. 

I still miss you just as much as I always have. Not one single day goes by that I don't think about you and how much I miss and love you. I do know a couple of friends who have lost their parents at a young age like me and I'm grateful for my friendships with them. We are able to vent to one another and try to help each other in any way we can; whether it's giving advice or just offering an open ear. I think about those days in the hospital all the time and I do still feel like it's a nightmare that I will just wake up from. Even after two and a half years since your passing, I still get the urge to take out my phone and call you. Things recently have been extremely hard and you're the only person who would be able to help me. You were my best friend, Mom. Thinking about it now is making me cry. It may sound stupid but having agoraphobia, going shopping alone is so hard. I used to call you every time I was alone at Vons or the mall, just to have you to talk to me and distract me from being alone. I know that there are tons of friends that I could call to help me with that but... they're not you. I want you to be there to answer the phone. It's not the same. Friends always tell me that I can call them whenever I am shopping alone, but I don't. THEY'RE NOT YOU. I don't expect anyone to understand and I know it's such a simple and stupid thing but it's something that only we shared and it's too precious to me to have that with anyone else. I can talk to you in my head but it's not the same. Where are you, Mommy? I need you so much more than ever! 

All of my friends are getting engaged, married and having children and as happy for them as I am, it's constantly in the back of my mind that you will never be here for those important and precious moments in my life. You will never be there when I want to show you the ring, when I'm trying on different wedding dresses, wait for your approval and crying with you when the decision is made. You won't be there on my wedding day to help me get ready and calm my nerves. You won't be sitting in the audience watching me walk down the aisle, say "I do" and give my future husband our first kiss. You won't be celebrating on the dance floor with me. You also won't be there in the room when I give birth to your grand children. Or there to see them grow old enough to hear them say "Grandma" for the first time, their birthdays, and all of the phases we will go through as a family. That kills me. I know you'll be with me in spirit but we all know... that's not the same thing and nothing can compare to the pain I will be feeling from missing you on those days. Can you please come back? God, please send her back from Heaven. I need her. You took her from me and I don't know why. Maybe in time, I will know the answer but even after all this time that has passed, I still can't see it. But I do know that You ARE God and you have our entire lives planned out for us. I do have complete faith in You, I really do. There are just some things I can't understand right now. But I will cast my worries and my fears upon You and I know You will comfort me. I am glad that she is no longer suffering or in pain and that wanting her back is selfish but I miss her, Lord. My heart is broken and can never be fully put back together. I do see why You gave me that DUI now but I still can't see the bigger picture as with You taking away my Mother; my best friend. I just wish I could hug her again, talk with her again, even just sit in silence with her. Anyone who has lost a loved one I know feels the same way. I hope you all know that I am here for you. I will offer an open ear, I will pray for you, whatever you feel that you need at the moment. If you want to just sit and cry on my shoulder, I will offer my shoulder and love to you, without question. God, You are so good. I truly believe that with all of my heart and soul. And You have Your own timing for everything. Our plans and timing mean nothing. It's all You, Lord. 

The images of you barely holding onto life in that hospital bed will haunt me everyday for the rest of my life. That last conversation on the phone... Your crying and my screaming... those will forever be in my mind, playing on repeat. I pray that no one has to see or hear those things. It's beyond explanation and I have no words to describe how terrible it was. I heard the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab For Cutie the other day and it gave my such a heavy feeling of grief in my heart. It was like he was singing directly to me. "Love is watching someone die... So who's gonna watch you die". Ben Gibbard couldn't have said it any better. Loving you beyond measure and watching you take your last breath... 

This isn't exactly what I planned on saying in this post but God put different words onto the page for me and I'm positive that these are the words He wanted me to say. God is so good and really has blessed me way more than I deserve. So in all of this grief and heartache, I will forever praise Him. 

I love you and miss you so much, it hurts.

Forever and Always,

Your Munchkin

Those are the 7 entries I had previously on my old blog site. I have changed so much since these posts but they were a part of my life. If you sat and read through each of these, I'm proud of you and grateful for you. If you didn't, I do not blame you one bit.